“We, the Jewish people, control America, and the American people know it.”
—Ariel Sharon to Shimon Peres, as reported on Israel radio, 3 October 2001.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Today I would like to present to you two exceptional individuals, both of them Zionists, and both of them doing their best to demonstrate how lucky we are in America to have such shining lights to illuminate our darkness: two remarkable men helping to mold the moral fabric of our country, both bringing to this great nation the finest values that the Jewish psyche has to offer.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me first present to you middle-aged porn producer, Mr Ira Isaacs, who is now facing an obscenity trial in a California court. Let me also present to you Mr Alex Kozinski, distinguished chief judge of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, who is here to preside over the same court that is to try Mr Isaacs for his alleged crimes and misdemeanours, and to direct the jury as to Mr Isaacs’ guilt or innocence.
Did I say guilt? I shouldn’t have. How could a great artist and lover of free expression such as Mr Isaacs—one whose ancestors might well have died in sad circumstances at Auschwitz — possibly be guilty of anything? Perish the thought! Mr Isaacs, step forward! Tell me something about yourself, sir. What exactly are you being accused of?
Mr Isaacs (modestly) : Well, I’m just an ordinary guy. A 57-year-old Jew who owns an advertising agency in downtown Los Angeles. But an advertising agency isn’t enough for me. I need more from life. I gotta produce great art. You know, like Picasso? Only it’s gotta be really filthy and pornographic to give me the kind of satisfaction I crave. You understand?
—Sure I understand, Mr Isaacs. It all sounds very fascinating. So how would you describe the kind of “art” you produce?
Mr Isaacs : I guess you can call it hardcore fetish porn. You know the kind of thing . . . naked chicks hunkered down on their haunches, defecating in public. Or urinating on guys’ faces. Or women having sex with animals. Gross stuff like that. Hey, even my attorney, Joe Diamond, says it’s pretty disgusting stuff! So it’s gotta be good!
—It certainly sound different, Mr Isaacs. So you make a good living selling hardcore pornography, am I right? The filthier the better?
Mr Isaacs : That’s right. I advertise it on the internet. I sell maybe 1000 DVDs a week at $30 a pop. Enough to pay the rent on a swanky house in Beverly Hills. Hey, I even have a walk-on part in one of my own movies! Man, I ain’t gonna tell you what I actually get to do. You gotta buy the video to find out for yourself!
—So, Mr Isaacs, you’re making a killing on hardcore pornographic filth? The shekels are rolling in, right?
Mr Isaacs : Actually, sales have dropped a bit recently, now I’m on trail. It’s down to 700-800 videos a week from a high of 1000. But who knows . . . it could take off again. That is, if I’m acquitted. People in America need to get the message that filthy, scatological, gut-wrenchingly obscene porn is actually good for the soul. That it helps to smash to bits the crappy Christian values that are doing so much damage to our country right now. Let’s face it, it’s been said before — and I’ll say it again — Christianity sucks!
—Mr Isaacs, how do you justify producing all this morally repugnant garbage?
Mr Isaacs : Hey, go easy on me, buddy! Sex is just a marketing tool! The suckers who buy these videos buy it for the sex. That’s just the bait. What they don’t realize is that old Ira Isaacs is slipping in something else for free. Art! I’m giving them an aesthetic experience comparable to what they might get from a Beethoven symphony!
You see, buddy, I always wanted to do something extreme. Something downright dirty! Something that would make my mom and dad proud of me. Something that would give everyone else the goddam creeps. Including myself. Hey, I can’t even watch my own movies without barfing up! Five straight hours of it in a courthouse is gonna drive me nuts!
—So tell me, Mr Isaacs, how can you expect a jury to sit through five hours of filth without getting sick? Aren’t you being a bit inconsiderate trying to make other people vomit?
Mr Isaacs : Well, they don’t have to sit through it! The judge here, Mr Kozinski, screened a hundred of these guys the other day. Half of them were excused on compassionate grounds. I mean, they couldn’t take it. No moral stamina. No stomach for artistic filth. They actually got the crazy idea that watching all this hard porn was bad for the soul!
Twenty-six potential jurors were excused in the first hour. Of course twelve guys will eventually be chosen. The Twelve Survivors. A real hardcore bunch they’ll have to be, into porn big time! Able and willing to sit through five straight hours of unmitigated filth and unspeakable nastiness! Grisly, gruesome, disgustingly depraved hardcore sex doing its best to degrade women in the interests of art! Boy, those female jurors are gonna love it!
—And what if the jury decides to send you to prison, Mr Isaacs?
Mr Isaacs : I’ll go down as an artist, not as a criminal. I’m fighting for art. Art is on trial here.
—Thank you, Mr Isaacs. I wish you good luck. Judge Kozinski, step forward please!
May I say at once, sir, that I am absolutely bowled over by your credentials. I hear you’re a chief judge of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals. One of the nation’s highest ranking judges! A possible candidate, I’m told, for the US Supreme Court. Gosh, how do you Jews do it? Ooops, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that! That’s anti-Semitic, isn’t it? A thousand apologies! Tell me, sir, how come you got assigned to this case?
Judge Kozinski : Pure chance. Coincidence. I was assigned to the case as part of a rotation in which I and a number of other appeal court judges occasionally oversee criminal trials. However, here I am, for better or worse. And I’m anxious to serve my country and see justice done.
—Most commendable, Judge, most commendable. If you don’t mind me asking, sir, what is your attitude to pornography? I mean, the really hardcore filthy fetish stuff . . . the kind produced by Mr Isaacs here. Naked women defecating on carpets, like they had something against carpets. Or animals copulating with girls who really ought to know better. I guess a sober and respectable judge like you finds it all a bit nauseating, am I right?
Judge Kozinski (stiffly) : Sorry, no comment. This is strictly a personal matter. It has nothing to do with jurisprudence.
—Huh? Say that again! Now listen, Judge Kozinski, I’m told you have some pretty liberal views on pornography. I read in the papers that you’re against censorship in any form. People are saying that Mr Isaacs here is one lucky Jew! He couldn’t have found a more sympathetic judge. A Jewish judge, too. Just fancy that!
Judge Kozinski : Be careful, sir. You are treading on dangerous ground. I am here to give Mr Isaacs a fair trial. I will do my utmost to see that justice is done. The artist must feel free to shock without fear of persecution. Pornography must be allowed to rear its ugly head in the interests of art. We live in a post-Christian, multicultural society. There’s been a revaluation of all values. God is dead. Remember that.
—Allow me to change the subject slightly, Judge. Tell me something about your own website. I mean, that porn site of yours that’s now the talk of the town.
Judge Kozinski (bridling) : How dare you, sir! My website is impeccable! It’s a purely private website. Just for me and my family and a few select Jewish friends. Any maybe my rabbi. No one else was expected to access it!
Okay, so some of the images that found their way onto the site were a bit inappropriate. A bit near the bone, let’s say, and not altogether flattering to the female sex. I apologize for that. Or rather, I don’t apologize! Why the hell should I? Hey, what is this? I’m not on trial here!
—I’m told your website has some pretty explicit material on it, Judge. Material that bears a striking resemblance to the material that Mr Isaacs here is standing trial for. In a courthouse where you, Mr Kozinski, just happen to be the presiding judge! I’m given to understand that some of the material on your website is pornographic in the extreme. There are pictures of people masturbating. Of public sex. Of contortionist sex. There’s even a slide show striptease act showing a transsexual letting it all hang out. And how about that folder containing photos showing women’s crotches in ridiculously tight underwear — all in closeup?
Judge Kozinski (blushing) : It looks bad, I admit, but it’s not as bad as you think. You’ve got to remember I’m one of the nation’s top judges. By definition, everything on my website can’t be all that bad. I get this sexy stuff sent to me all the time from my Jewish friends and my colleagues in the legal profession. Let’s face it, it’s got to be respectable and mainstream, or they wouldn’t send me the stuff, would they? I just upload it all onto my computer. Simple as that. Nothing wrong with a bit of artistic nudity, is there?
—I’m not so sure about that, Judge. There are two photos on your site I find particularly disturbing. There’s a photo of a young man sitting bent over in a chair, performing fellatio on himself. Talk about contortionist sex! There’s another photo showing two young women sitting in a cafe, their skirts hiked up so high you can see all their pubic hair. And behind them there’s a sign reading, “Bush for President!”
Judge Kozinski : (laughs) That’s meant to be funny! It’s a joke. I guess you don’t appreciate Jewish humor.
—A guy fellating himself is Jewish humor? And women flashing their private parts in a public place is your idea of a joke? Well, tell me now, Judge, what about those photos on your site showing these naked women on all fours, painted to look like cows? And what about that video of a half-naked man fooling around with a sexually aroused farm animal? Is that your idea of good clean fun?
Judge Kozinski : Honestly, I can’t remember uploading all that stuff. Maybe my son did it! Yeah, I reckon Yale did it without thinking. Stupid jerk! I’ll have to cut his allowance. But hey, give the boy a break, he’s only a goddam kid!
Now listen, it’s even possible I uploaded that stuff myself! Accidentally, of course, while meaning to upload something totally different! Errors like that happen. Ever heard of typos? Maybe I meant to upload something educational and elevating. Like Israeli soldiers, shooting Palestinian children armed with killer stones! Or our brave warriors in the Israeli Air Force, dropping three million cluster bombs on those cowardly terrorists in South Lebanon!
—One final question, Judge. You are on record as saying to potential jurors, whose job it will be to watch five hours of this pornographic filth, “I will be there watching with you. This is part of the job we are doing.” Tell me, Judge, why do you go out of your way to give the impression that watching porn is a big drag for you, a painful duty, when actually it turns you on? Viewing porn is just up your street, isn’t it?
Judge Kozinski : I refuse to respond to these sly innuendos that are so obviously anti-Semitic in tone. I guess I’ll have to postpone hearing this case. My superiors will have to decide if I’m the appropriate person to sit in judgement over Mr Isaacs.
—Thank you, Judge, you’ve been most helpful. May I wish you good luck in your future career as a Supreme Court judge. America is proud of you. Thank you for bringing your fine Talmudic values to our godforsaken Christian country.
Judge Kozinski : Don’t mention it, son. You know, if that guy Jesus Christ were around today, I’d have him crucified again! I’d have him packed off to Guantanamo Bay and water-boarded. Under strictly controlled conditions, of course, sanctioned by the Geneva Conventions!
—Thank you once again, Judge Kozinski, for giving us a glimpse into the fascinating recesses of the Jewish mind. America needs men like you. Any plans for retirement?
Judge Kozinski : Yes, I’m thinking of buying a farm in Eretz Israel. A few hundred acres. Trouble is, we’ve got to get rid of those darned Palestinians first! Tear up their olive trees, demolish their houses, and drive them off to Jordan and Syria like the goddam cattle the are! Hey, maybe I’ll head for Iran, once we’ve bombed the hell out of that country and grabbed its oil. Roll on the day!
Sings in a high piping voice:
On, onward Christian soldiers!
Fight, fight our Jewish wars!
Off with your clothes, you shiksas!
God damn you for cheap whores!
God smiles upon His Chosen—
And craps on you and yours!
Exeunt Isaacs and Kozinski, pornographer and pornophile judge, thumbing their noses at the goyim rabble.