Scores of fired-up and highly articulate white people were preparing to get off their sofas and launch an unrelenting crusade to rid the country of anyone with a skin tone darker than Dale Winton’s on Wednesday night, after a Muslim man became the first person to ever commit a gruesome murder in British history.
As soon as they heard the news, the furious soldiers of St George leaped straight into action and began preparing their arms for the battle ahead, stopping only momentarily in their preparations to change their Facebook profile pictures to Union Jacks and post statuses about how great this country used to be before immigrants started murdering everyone.
The New Age Man spoke to the renowned historian, Professor Graham Mobey, to try and find out what life used to be like in Britain before the Muslims ruined everything. He commented:
“Living in Britain used to be like living in a fairytale paradise where the women were beautiful, the men were brave and chivalrous, and not one famous white TV presenter ever tried to have sex with a child.
“Our country’s history is completely free from incidents of cold blooded murder such as what we saw in Woolwich on Wednesday. From the Roman era, through the times of the Vikings, the Normans, the Tudors, the English Civil War, colonialism, Jack the Ripper and Fred West, not one white man has ever committed a gruesome or morally repugnant act, and there was certainly no one who ever tried to do a rape or chop someone’s head off.” The Professor went on: “The only sane conclusion one can draw from this week’s events is that, if we got rid of all the Muslims, we could all go back to how things used to be when, as I just said, there was definitely no raping or murdering.”
Whilst it’s clear that there are a lot of fired up white men out there ready for battle, it is still not clear how a group of ragtag men, who only step foot outside their villages to go to McDonalds or on Jeremy Kyle, will be able to overthrow the government and put all the Muslims back on a boat to where most of them didn’t come from.
The New Age Man caught up with one EDL member whilst he was taking a break from repeatedly smashing his face against the keyboard of his computer. He offered a lucid and articulate description of the EDL’s nuanced immigration policy:
“Muh muh nom meh mah wah wah Muslim. Dom dah wah bla dom dah dah Islam”
Whether the EDL will now be able to form some sort of cogent political force and gain influence by entering and winning elections, is not clear. One pollster told the New Age Man that it will depend entirely on how many mentally retarded people are actually registered to vote in Britain.